The Adventures of Gannen and Steve
by Elenast
Summary: What happens when an army of Vampaneze are forced to live together in the same house? Madness, that's what. Behold the deranged, dysfunctional, and demented adventures of our favorite intrepid undead.
1. Steve's Sick Day

_Steve's Sick Day_

_Warnings: Language._

_Disclaimer:I don't own the CDF books. The original version of this story was co-written by Deviantart's TheCrepsely1, and would not be half as awesome if not for her._

_Genre:Humor_

_Summary:Steve comes down with a cold which somehow leads to the horrors of Walmart, a disgusting new recipe, a maid costume, and Steve being mistaken for a woman._

-0o0o0-

Gannen Harst was lying in his coffin, dozing peacefully, when he was woken by a very annoying noise. "Gannen?...GANNEN?...GANNEN, ANSWER ME!" Steve was shrieking.

Grumbling in annoyance, Gannen dragged himself out of bed to see what The Vampaneze Lord needed.

Steve was sprawled on the couch in the living room, looking very pale.

"What?" Gannen snapped.

"I don't feel good," whined Steve.

"You probably just have a cold," said Gannen, turning to go back to his coffin.

"WAIT!" said Steve. "I need you to go to the store and get me some orange juice. Oh, and I'm out of tissues, and the battery is almost dead in the TV remote, and I'm running low on Vick's Vapor rub, and I want some more cough drops, and..."

Steve's voice faded to a low drone as Gannen's mind wandered far, far away. He was snapped back to reality when Steve said

"And I need this all within ten minutes."  
"How am I supposed to get all of that in ten minutes?!" cried Gannen. "It's physically impossible!"

"Use your Vampaneze Skills, Gannen. Duh." said Steve, then went back to watching the television.

"Screw you," muttered Gannen under his breath.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!"

"Nothing, nothing,"said Gannen, ducking out the door.

_x0o0o0x _

Gannen Harst stalked into the Walmart, his cape sweeping dramatically behind him. He stopped short at the sight that lay before him. Dozens of aisles stretched into the distance, crammed with every product imaginable.

"How am I supposed to find _anything _in this endless place?" he wailed in dismay, attracting many strange looks.

A nervous looking clerk slowly approached him.

"Umm...Can I help you, sir?"

"Yes. You can helpme by explaining how _I_, a Vampaneze of high standing, got stuck babysitting the worlds biggest brat. I should be out doing battle, not running errands for a spoiled child!" Gannen ranted.

There was a long pause.

"I don't know what that means, but I think you should leave," said the Clerk, backing away slowly.

"Look, I just need some tissues, batteries, Vapor Rub (whatever that is), and cough drops...And some _very_ strong sleeping pills," he added as an afterthought.

_x0o0o0x _

Meanwhile, Steve was getting impatient.

_Gannen only has five minutes left, _he thought. _He'd better get back soon!_

He then went back to watching Dora the Explorer, humming along to the theme song.

(Precisely 5 minutes and 30 seconds later...)

Gannen burst through the door dramatically. (He did everything dramatically, if he could help it.)

"I'm back!"

"YOU'RE 30 SECONDS LATE!" Steve shrieked, hurling the remote control at Gannen's head. "Now that you're back, you can make me something to eat. NOW!"

"Bastard," Gannen muttered under his breath, walking towards the kitchen.

"I HEARD THAT!" yelled Steve.

"No, you didn't!" Gannen yelled back, ducking as Steve threw an empty box of tissues.

Gannen examined the contents of the refrigerator dispassionately. He didn't really remember what humans liked to eat. Shrugging, he dumped some leftover pasta, horseradish, hotdogs and apple slices into a bowl and mixed them together. Then, with a sinister chuckle, he crushed up the sleeping pills and stirred them in. He went to find Steve in the dining hall, anticipating the few hours of peace Steve's involuntary nap would allow him.

_x0o0o0x _

With a dramatic flourish, Gannen set the pasta-horseradish-apple-hotdog stew down in front of Steve, who looked at it in wonder.

"What the hell is it?" he asked, apprehensively poking it with his fork.

"It's just a very special meal," Gannen said, flopping onto the bench across from Steve. "Eat up."

"The pieces are too big!" whined Steve. "Cut them up for me!"

Gannen's eye twitched.

"Never!" he protested. "I refuse to stoop to that level!"

"Then I won't eat it, _and_ I'll tell everyone your secret!" Steve shot back.

Gannen gasped dramatically.

"_Or _you could get over yourself and cut up the food for me," Steve wheedled.

"Fine," snapped Gannen, and proceeded to cut up the food with unnecessary force.

Steve took a teeny bite.

"It's too hot! Cool it down!"

Gannen was fed up.

"Do it yourself! I'm not your babysitter, I'm a Vampaneze of high standing, damn it!"

"Have it your way." Steve said. "HEY EVERYONE, GANNEN LOOKED LIKE A CHICK WHEN HE WAS A TEEN! LOOK!" He pulled out a picture of Gannen in his teenage years. He did indeed look like a chick.

Gannen dived across the table and grabbed the picture.

"You can keep that, I have plenty more" said Steve, grinning evilly.

"Please don't show them the pictures!" Gannen pleaded. "I'll do anything!"

"Anything?" asked Steve, looking like he was enjoying this far too much.

Gannen deliberated.

Steve pulled another picture out of his pocket.

"Fine, anything," said Gannen.

"Then dress up as a maid, carry me everywhere I want, and address me as "Your Highness"

"Damn you, bastard," Gannen muttered under his breath.

"What was that, Gannen?" asked Steve, fanning himself with the picture.

"Nothing, your highness!" he said hurriedly.

"Good!" Steve grinned. "Now go put on your maid outfit! And when you're done with that, you can carry me to the conference room, where _everyone _is going to be. Chop chop, I don't want to be late for the meeting!"

Gannen stormed out dramatically.

Several minutes later he returned, wearing a maid's costume that was far too small for him.

Steve was passed out on the table due to the large amount of sleeping pills in his system.

Gannen laughed devilishly. (Though the maid costume ruined the effect).

R.V. happened to wander by at this inopportune moment, looking rather stoned.

"What the hell are you wearing, dude?!"

"Shut up, R.V." Gannen growled.

Then something occurred to him. The perfect way to get back at Steve

An evil plan started formulating in Gannen's diabolical little mind...

(2 hours later...)

Steve slowly regained consciousness, wondering why his face was smooshed against a table. He glanced at the clock, then jumped up in a panic.

"I'm going to be late!" he shrieked, racing down the hall to the conference room and flinging the doors open. He skidded to a halt. Gannen was _not _wearing his maid outfit, and he was smirking at Steve in an _'I-know-something-you-don't'_ sort of way.

"Gannen, why aren't you in your maid outfit?"

Then he noticed that the rest of the Vampaneze were staring at him with dropped jaws.

"And what are _you_ all staring at?"

He looked down, only to see that he was wearing a ostentatious neon-pink dress.

"What the hell?! WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!?"

Gannen attempted to hide a grin behind his hand

"Dude, what are you wearing!?" yelled R.V.

Glalda fell on the floor laughing

"Look, it's a girl!" roared many of the Vampaneze

"DIBS!" shouted some of the others.

"No, It's me!" shrieked Steve.

Dozens of Vampaneze started flitting towards him.

"I am the Vampaneze Lord, you have to listen to me!" he cried, trying to hide behind the table.

"Don't listen to her, she's an imposter," Gannen said. "The Lord is in bed with a cold,"

"Gannen, you'll pay for this!" Steve cried as he was tackled by several of the faster Vampaneze.

"Not as much as you will," said Gannen.

_Fin._

_A/N: Another chapter will be coming soon._

_Reviews are love, spread the love!_


	2. Fine Literature

_Fine Literature_

_Warnings: Language_

_Disclaimer: I don't own the CDF books. The original version of this story was co-written by Deviantart's TheCrepsely1 and would not be half as awesome if not for her._

_Genre: Humor. A teeny-tiny-itty-bitty bit of angst. Barely._

_Summary: Gannen decides to read some fine literature, which results in piggy-back rides,shouting matches, and inappropriate pranks._

_Author's Notes: Thank you to reviewers, favoriters, and followers :)_

_-0o0o0-_

Gannen sat at his desk, hunched over a book. He seemed utterly engaged, mouthing the words to himself. "See Spot...See Spot run...Run, Spot, Run!..."

Steve meandered into the room, looking bored and ready to cause mischief.

"What are you doing?" He asked, peering over Gannen's shoulder.

Gannen hurriedly covered the book with his arms.

"Go away, Steve. I'm concentrating on something _very_ important!"

"What could be more important than me?!" howled Steve petulantly.

"Um...War of the Scars stuff."

"I wanna see!" said Steve, clawing at Gannen's arms.

"No! It's none of your business!" said Gannen, attempting to ward Steve off.

"I'm the _Vampaneze Lord_, so it kinda is my business,"

There was a long pause. Then Gannen grabbed the book and darted out the door.

"Get back here, Gannen!" Steve yelled. Gannen was long gone, though.

R.V. happened to, once again, wander by at an inopportune moment.

"Waitwaitwait!" Steve yelled, flinging out an arm to stop him. "I need a ride – follow Gannen!" he said, clambering onto R.V's back and kicking at his sides as though he was a horse.

_x0o0o0x _

Gannen jogged though the halls, not in any particular hurry. He knew that Steve could never hope to keep up with him, even at this leisurely pace. Then he heard plodding footfalls coming towards him. When they came around the corner, Gannen saw something he never would have expected – Steve getting a piggy-back ride from R.V, who looked like he had no idea what was going on.

"Not this time," growled Gannen, getting up to flitting speed.

"Faster!" Steve demanded.

"I...can't...Dude!" panted a very out-of-breath R.V.

Steve hopped off of his back and ran over to a random Vampaneze bystander.

"Go, Go, Go!" he cried, jumping onto the Bystander's back.

"What is this, what's going on?"asked the unfortunate Bystander.

"Just run! Run like the wind!"

"Where?!"

"To HIM!" Steve yelled, pointing at Gannen, who was now attempting to hide behind a coffee table.

"You'll never catch me alive!" yelled Gannen, hastily constructing a barricade of furniture.

"Just tell me what you're hiding!" Steve said, crashing through the barrier.

"Never!" Gannen said, hiding the book in his fuzzy green cape and batting Steve's hand away.

"As your Lord I command you to give it to me – now!"

"No!"

Steve Gasped. "How dare you?" he asked in scandalized tones.

"You're not the boss of me, I'm 300 years older. _And_ I'm your mentor!"

"Well _I'm_ the Lord. That trumps mentor."  
Gannen remained obstinate.

"If you don't give it to me I'll show everyone the video I took of you waxing your chest hair!"

**-**_Flashback_-

Steve held a camera through a door that was slightly ajar, stifling giggles. Gannen was in front of the bathroom mirror, waxing his chest hair. Which was red, incidentally. Then he noticed the camera. He strode towards the door, looking murderous. Steve squealed in panic. The view from the video screen flailed wildly as they grappled for the camera. Then it fell to the ground facing the wall. There was a _thump_ and a yelp of pain. Steve howled "How dare you hit your Lord?!"

"I'm going to destroy that tape," said Gannen's voice

"That's alright," said Steve's voice. "It was instantly streaming to my computer. It's automatically saved. Ha!" There was another _thump_ and another yelp of pain.

-_End Flashback_-

Gannen knew that the other Vampaneze could never see that video.

"Fine, but you'll pay for this."

"Sure I will," Steve said flippantly. "Now gimmee!"

Gannen reluctantly handed over the book. Steve collapsed to the floor, overcome with laughter.

"What are you, like six years old?"

"I am a Vampaneze of high standing, and I deserve respect, damn it!" Gannen protested. But apparently none of the Vampaneze heard, because they were to busy howling with laughter.

"Just give me my book back!" Gannen snapped

"Here you go, Ganney-Wanney." Steve giggled, handing it over.

Gannen tucked it into his cape and tried to walk away with dignity.

"Look, Ganney-Wanney is mad!"

He sought sanctuary in his office, slamming the door behind him. It didn't entirely block out the sound of the laughter, however.

(Several hours later...)

Steve was watching the television, looking like he had not a care in the world.

Gannen was sitting at his desk, looking like he was thinking dark thoughts. In fact, he was.

"I'm...so...bored!" said Steve, flipping through channels.

Gannen didn't answer.

"Fine, don't talk to me," Steve pouted, stomping from the room.

_Finally, he's gone_, thought Gannen, pulling pens and papers towards himself. He had some planning to do.

_x0o0o0x _

Steve was in his coffin, sleeping like a log. Gannen crept into the room, carrying a large black duffel bag with him. He had dubbed it _The Revenge Bag. _Gannen rummaged through it, seeking the objects of mass destruction he would use to gain his revenge. Namely, a can of shaving cream and a feather. He deposited a liberal amount of the cream onto Steve's hand and brushed at his nose with the feather...and nothing happened.

"Damn it,"Gannen muttered. "Moving to phase two,"

He pulled a large Tupperware container out of The Revenge Bag_. _It was filled with warm water, which he placed Steve's hand in. An embarrassing stain spread across the front of Steve's Dora the Explorer pajama bottoms. Gannen chuckled evilly, pulling out his cell phone.

He snapped a photo and sent it to every Vampaneze he knew.

Several minutes later, texts came flooding in, most of them along the lines of

'What the hell is this?'

"It's Revenge," Gannen texted back. "Sweet, sweet revenge,"

_Fin_

_A/N there will be one more chapter._


	3. The Beach Adventure

_The Beach Adventure_

_Warnings: Language_

_Disclaimer: I don't own the CDF books. The original version of this story was co-written by Deviantart's TheCrepsely1 and would not be half as awesome if not for her._

_Genre: Humor._

_Summary:A simple trip to the beach results in faceplants, face_palms_, Gannen getting owned by an inanimate object, and pointless insult battles._

_Notes: This one is definitely the weakest of the three fics. Sorry bout that. *bows down in abject humiliation*_

Gannen Harst was with Steve at the beach. Unwillingly, albeit. Steve had pestered him nonstop, insisting that Gannen take him because "he was bored, and he'd never been to the beach before, and since he was the Lord Gannen _had_ to take him" and so on and so forth.

After a harrowing bus trip during which Steve had been magnificently carsick they finally arrived. Then, to Gannen's fury, Steve had refused to go near the water.

"I could _drown_," he said. "Then we'd loose the war and you'd _die_. Duh, Gannen."

"What's the point of going to the beach if you don't even go in the water? Let's just go home." demanded Gannen.

But, as he should have learned by now, it was impossible to have a rational argument with the Vampaneze Lord. So they stayed.

_x0o0ox_

Steve was laying on a towel, trying to get a tan.

Gannen insisted that Vampaneze _couldn't_ tan.

Steve insisted that since he was only a half Vampaneze, he could _too._

So Gannen was standing on the beach glowering, cape whipping about him dramatically in the sea breeze. As the hours passed the tide crept closer, until it finally swept over Steve's feet.

"What was that?!" he yelled, jumping up in panic.

"Water," Gannen deigned to answer.

"But it _moved! _It was all the way over there and-_"_

Something distracted Gannen from Steve's rant . A monster wave was fast approaching.

"Uh, Steve?"

"-doesn't even make sense and-"

"Steve?"

"-stupid water didn't even-"

"Steve, there's a-"

"-and now my feet are-"

Too late – the wave crashed into Steve, sending him faceplanting into the sand.

Gannen resisted the urge to take a picture.

"Help me up!" came Steve's muffled voice.

"But you're all wet!" Gannen protested with a grimace.

"I'm the Lord and you have to help me!" yelled Steve.

Gannen grabbed Steve's arm and lugged him up. Steve promptly pushed Gannen into the water.

"That's what you get for not helping me in the first place,"

"Steve, I swear to the gods, I will kill you," Gannen sputtered, spitting salty water out of his mouth. Then he froze.

"It think something just touched my leg,"

"Oh my God, what if it's a shark!" panicked Steve.

Gannen shrieked in unmanly terror, struggled out of the water, and sprinted as far away as he could. Steve followed close behind.

_x0o0o0x _

Gannen and Steve sat at a picnic bench, dripping water.

"I want ice cream," Steve sniffled.

"Yeah? I want a new job. But we don't always get what we want," Gannen grumbled.

"Gaaannnennn!" Steve whined, tugging at his sleeve. "Ice cream – Now!"

"Do I look like I have any money?" Gannen asked sarcastically.

Steve shrugged.

"Use an ATM or something,"

"_ATM?" _asked Gannen, perplexed.

"Oh my God, Gannen, you don't know anything!" said Steve, face-palming epically. "It's a machine that makes money,"

Gannen looked shocked and awed.

"Very well...We'll find this..._ATM_, and I'll get you your ice cream. But then we're going home,"

After an hour of randomly searching the streets, they happened upon an ATM. There was only one problem.

"I don't know how to use this,"Gannen admitted.

"Try hitting it with something," Steve suggested wisely.

Gannen proceeded to karate chop the ATM machine.

"Ow! Evil!" he yelped, cradling his rapidly swelling hand.

"I didn't mean with your hand!"

A random man across the street was staring at them.

"HEY! HEY, YOU!" Steve shouted at him.

The random man sauntered across the street.

"What?"

"How does this machine work?"

"Why do you need to know?" asked the Random Man in an unnecessarily suspicious tone.

"Because I want ice cream, and Gannen wants a new job, and we don't have any money. Just answer the goddamn question!"

"You're psychotic" sneered the man.

"Yeah?! Well, you're...you're mean!"Steve shot back.

"You're an assbutt,"

"You're a gay-lord"

"That's just politically incorrect!"

"You man-whore"

"You cakesniffer!"

"You are both idiots," interjected Gannen.

"Not now Gannen, I'm having an insult battle," said Steve, waving his hand at Gannen.

"You have girly hair," said the Random Man.

"You...you...YOUR MOMMA!" said Steve.

"I'm an orphan,"said the Random Man.

"How dare you make me feel guilty!" accused Steve.

"You're a bully,"

"You're a wimp,"

"You're a jerkwad,"

"You smell of cabbage,"

"You smell like your fat friend over there," said the Random Man, pointing at Gannen.

"I am not fat!" protested Gannen indignantly.

"Yeah, you are,"

"Am not! It's just this cape. It's...fluffy."

"Is it soft?" the Random Man asked randomly.

"Um...yeah?" said Gannen.

"Can I touch it?"

Gannen didn't know how to respond to this. He decided to go with

"No."

The Random Man completely ignored this, slowly stroking Gannen's cape. He then turned around and walked away without a word.

There was a very long pause.

"What the hell just happened?!" demanded Steve.

"I have no idea," said Gannen, looking mildly traumatized.

"Gannen?" Steve said.

"What?"

"I still don't have my ice cream."

_Fin_


End file.
